Hello. My name is Lachlan.

Just woke up and saw the news.

Facebook has bought Instagram — a two-year-old, profitless app with just a handful of employees — for one gajillion dollars.

So, without having really read any of the articles, allow me to make a few random, unconnected and mostly uninformed comments.

One, where's my slice? I want $1 for every like received and $10 for every new follower. Seems only fair.

Two, prepare for Zuckerberg to own the rights to all your photos. It will happen and you won't even notice it. Trust me.

Three, why work hard and build a successful career at, well anything really, when you can make an app in eight weeks and sell it for a squillion dollars? My future is clear.

Four, with Android and now Facebook, prepare for everything bad about Instagram (i.e. shirtless, self-taking teen douchés and fame-whores) to increase exponentially. Things are going to get uglier.

Five, hopefully I'm wrong, but this could very well be the beginning of the end. Start planning your exit strategies now people.

Among the many delightfully narcissitic trends doing the rounds on Instagram lately is the 'Five Facts About Me Challenge', whereby users post five riveting things about themselves (e.g. "I love dogs!") alongside the usual photo. Never one to miss out on the latest trends, I decided to join in with the following little know facts about yours truly.

1. I have an identical twin brother (pictured) who is two years younger than me. (It was a long labour.)
2. I am fluent in four languages: English, Australian, American and New Zealandish.
3. I have a rare medical condition known as pharyngotympanic choanasitis, meaning I breathe through my ears instead of my nose.
4. I sleep hanging upside down in a cupboard.
5. I'm afraid of heights, spiders and post-it notes.

Sometimes I'm convinced that God hates me. Why do I say this? Because of the weather.

When I lived in England, summer was just a blanket of grey cloud. Then, the year after I left, they had the hottest summer on record. More recently, we spent two-and-a-half years in Raleigh, North Carolina and endured three of the coldest winters in the history of forever, along with a summer so disgustingly hot it made you feel like you were living inside someone else's underpants. There were 90 days over 90ºF. That's a lot, especially when the humidity is up around the 300% mark. Then we came home to the coldest, wettest summer in 60 years, while Raleigh cruised through the mildest of winters, complete with temps in the 70's.

Think I might just have to move to Hawaii, where, incidentally, the above photo was taken.

Image by Lachlan Payne Photography.

I've spent quite a bit of time using Instagram lately — a mobile photo sharing app, kinda' like Twitter but for photos — but I've found that sometimes typing on the iPhone can be a bit of a challenge.

It's not that I have especially fat fingers — if anything they're quite slender and girlish — it's just that my mind usually works at least five times faster than my fingers, which stumble all over the keyboard like a drunk on Sunday. Throw in the iPhone's tiny keys, slippery screen and temperamental autocorrect feature and I have all sorts of problems. But the one that seems to pop up the most often on Instagram as I comment on photos is what I like to call the 'Shit Shot Dilemma'.

You see 'shot' is a word I use a lot. "Great shot." "Beautiful shot." "WONDERFUL shot!" But sitting right there next to 'o' is its good buddy 'i', ever lurking, always waiting for my sloppy finger-work to come calling. And so it goes. "Great shit." "Beautiful shit." "WONDERFUL shit!"

Dang it. It happens to me all the time. But it took me a while to notice. In fact, in my early Instagram days, before I wrote much or commented at all, someone left a comment on my photo: "Nice shit," she said. Hmm. Well said, I thought. Anyway I hope you like the shit above.

Image by Lachlan Payne Photography.

Photographers can be a precious bunch, sometimes. 

Take the guy, for example, who was reluctant to offer a friend and colleague of mine assisting work for fear that he would only take jobs away from him in the future. Sad, but true, and stories like that are commonplace, so I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled upon this article where 35 photographers shared their advice for young, aspiring photographers.

I recommend the read, though I know it's a long one, so I've pulled out my three favourite pieces of advice for you here.

"Give it all you got for at least 5 years and then decide if you got what it takes. Too many great talents give up at the very beginning."

— Carl De Keyzer

"Avoid all photo schools and courses."
— Thomas Hoepker 

"If you become a photographer you will do a lot of walking so buy good shoes."
— David Hurn 

You can download a PDF of the article here.

Image by Martin Gommel.

I love lists.

So it was with great delight that I stumbled across this video from Get Out The Box listing 29 ways to stay creative.

1. Make lists
2. Carry a notebook everywhere
3. Try free writing
4. Get away from the computer
5. Quit beating yourself up
6. Take breaks
7. Sing in the shower
8. Drink coffee
9. Listen to new music
10. Be open
11. Surround yourself with creative people
12. Get feedback
13. Collaborate
14. Don't give up
15. Practice, practice, practice
16. Allow yourself to make mistakes
17. Go somewhere new
18. Count your blessings
19. Get lots of rest
20. Take risks
21. Break the rules
22. Don't force it
23. Read a page of the dictionary
24. Create a framework
25. Stop trying to be someone else's perfect
26. Got an idea? Write it down
27. Clean your workspace
28. Have fun
29. Finish something

But let's be honest — who has the time to do all these things when we're so busy trying to be creative? Not me.

So, in order to make your life easier, I'm going to suggest combining a few, or even skipping the non-essential ones, in order to save time and be more productive.

• To begin with, if you don't bother buying that notebook (#2), then you won't have to make lists (#1), write for free (#3) or write ideas down (#26). Time is money and you just saved yourself a bunch of both.
• Next, why waste precious time singing in the shower (#7) when you can combine it with #11 (surround yourself with creative people) and shower with creative people? Streamlining.
• Still need more time? Quit beating yourself up (#5) — collaborate with others (#13) and have them do it for you. Outsourcing.
• But there's more you can do. Embrace #6 (take breaks), #22 (don't force it) and #25 (stop trying to be somebody's else's perfect) by not trying too hard to complete the rest of the list.
• And finally, affirm the spirit of #21 (break the rules) by breaking rule #14 (don't give up) and just give up entirely.

Congratulations, your productivity just went through the roof and you learned how to be creative.

We've been enjoying a Bond marathon of sorts lately, courtesy of 7mate, which has been showing 2–3 movies each weekend for the last couple of months.

Among the many talking points that spring from the Bond franchise, one that has stood out to me is the phenomenon of the Bond girl. Specifically, what does it take to be a Bond girl?

Here are a few of the prerequisites I've noticed.

1. Never wear a bra. The only exception is when a bra is the only thing you're wearing, although in such situations please consider a light dressing gown, as this will be easier for Bond to take off.
2. You must possess the ability to say "Oh! James!" This will most likely be your only dialogue so make sure you get it right.
3. Be willing to take a slap in the face once in a while. Most applicable for those playing opposite Sean Connery.
4. Get used to sharing. James will, almost without fail, have at least two other Bond girls in every film.
5. If you're the first Bond girl to appear in the movie, you'd better be prepared to die. Because you most likely will.

If you asked me why we decided to leave America I would have given you two words: President Palin. (Although now that Ms. Palin has said she will not be contesting for the Republican nomination perhaps it's safe to go back?)

But the truth was much more complicated than that, and one of the many reasons we decided it was time to come home was my health. It had steadily declined over the last two years and I needed to be in regular consultation with the medical professionals, something which we couldn't afford to do in America.

So we came back to Sydney and have quickly gotten back in to the swing of having regular doctor's visits and working hard at trying to get healthy.

And the latest news from the good doctor is that he has shifted his diagnosis from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to Fybromyalgia (although the two conditions often overlap). With CFS the dominant symptom is fatigue, where as with Fybromyalgia the dominant symptom is chronic pain, with fatigue a secondary symptom (along with many others). And if nothing else it also has a much more scientific sounding name so it must be legitimate.

So the plan this time around is to tackle the pain first, and then see what happens to the rest of the symptoms after that. As usual, most of the treatments prescribed thus far exhibit side effects stunningly similar to the original symptoms, with a couple more thrown in for good measure. But we press on and fight through the pain until we — hopefully — find the right track. I'm starting to feel nauseous just thinking about it.

It's good to be home.

Image by chuckp.

So it turns out that Hawai'i is eight islands, not one. Who knew?

Not me. Not until we started to research what would be involved in visiting there on our way back home, at least. We chose Maui, the second largest island, for it's mix of beaches, waterfalls, swimming, snorkelling, volcanoes and resorts. It also had a Whole Foods. Win.

And Maui turned out to be a very good choice. Beautiful beaches, incredible climate, scenic waterfalls, and one of the most stunning drives in the world in the Hana Highway, 52 miles of curves and bends that hug the east Maui coastline.

Hawai'i is simply amazing and goes straight in to my three favourite places in the US, along with New York and Maine. Now all we have to do is figure out how to divide our time between the three. Hmmm.

Now, sadly, that is the end of our road trip and the end of our great American adventure. While the trip didn't work out at all the way we had planned — and we're still extremely disappointed about that — we did enjoy the short time that we were away and are grateful for the time we were able to spend in Hawai'i. Stunning place.

But for now, it's time to head back to Sydney and get on with the next phase in life, whatever that might hold. I have no idea.

Next stop: Home.

Image by Lachlan Payne Photography.

San Francisco was our first destination when we arrived in the US in early 2009, and it reminded us a little of home.

Ironically, it was warmer and sunnier then, in mid-winter, than it is now. Indeed for a summer's day, I would say that 13ºC and driving rain was something of a disappointment. No matter.

Really, just getting here was a trial thanks to a four-hour delay in Chicago. We didn't get to our hotel until 2am (5am east coast time) and so we decided simply to use most of our time in San Francisco to rest and recover.

Accordingly, we just spent the first half of the day relaxing at the hotel and doing our first load of washing for a few weeks. After lunch we caught the BART in to town (we decided to stay near the airport to make our onward journey less complicated) and had a stroll around. We would have loved to have done more, like taken the tour to Alcatraz, but they sell out weeks in advance and in any case the weather was horrendous.

San Francisco is a neat town, though, but on this journey it's just a pitstop for us on our way to Hawai'i and a means to break up the jet lag.

Image by Trodel.